DO NOT BE FOOLED

april-fool-main (1)I thought fate was done with me after I got beaten by roadside thugs last week – luckily nothing was stolen – but fate had more in store for me. I think I need to visit a mountain or the shores of the sea – I honestly really need to wash misfortune off my head.

That fateful Sunday, I woke up with no thoughts of going to church. It was half past six and church was in an hour. If I needed to get to church, then was the time to be up. But of course I was tired and needed to rest some more so I clicked on the snooze and soon drifted off into oblivion.

…they were close by. The robbers that were chasing us were close by. I knew they were after my one million naira and I cursed at my foolishness. I was foolish to have been boastful about the one million naira scholarship from Shell I had just secured. I suspected Damilare my roommate. He had to be the one. He was the one envious of my success. I snapped out of my thought and concentrated on the problem at hand. The driver had begun to shake and our pursuers had begun to close in on us. We had to do something really quick else I might not only lose my one million naira, I most probably might lose my life as I had been stubborn – the chase had been on for close to twenty minutes. I thought about the Nigeria Police and how irresponsible and irresponsive they were to the plights of Nigerians. I had been calling an emergency number for close to fifteen minutes now and the only time I got a response I was advised to either pull over and submit the money to them or race them for as long as I could and try to lose them. What in the heavens were they doing? I wondered. And as if in response to my thought, the man over the phone who I am guessing is a police man told me what I only used to hear and believe as hear-say, that there was no fuel in the tank. Worse still was the fact that he mentioned the dollar, You know say dollar dun rise and fuel dun scarce. He said. That was it, I thought. We were going to do things the fast and furious way – try to outrace your opponent. There was just one problem, our car was not fast and my driver was far from furious. And just when I thought things could not get any worse I heard a loud bang from behind the car, we skidded off the road and into a nearby bush – the driver had lost control and the car was a wreck. I wondered what had happened. Our pursuers parked right where we were and stepped out of their vehicles. Clad in all black and masked to conceal their identities they walked towards us. With my heart in my mouth I began to pray for God’s forgiveness. Funny enough, I thought I saw death. Suddenly I began to remember all the sins that I had committed in my life and I waited for what would come next. One of the Men in Black strode to my side, picked up the bag that was lying close to me, checked the contents and when he was satisfied pointed a gun at me. It was pointless begging – I knew what was coming next. I had seen it – death. And when I thought all hope was lost there came a sparkle of hope – my alarm rang!

Oh! Sweet God! I had been dreaming. I had been sweating too. This was no ordinary dream. I needed to go to church. I needed to pray to avert any evil that was about to befall me – I felt it. The dream was too vivid to be an ordinary dream. I had to go to church. It was because I wanted to go to church I came home for the weekend in the first place. I would not allow sleep to sneak and cart away my destiny.

I walked dreamily into the bathroom and poured some measure of liquid soap on my head. I stepped under the shower and let the tiny droplets of water do the job of cleaning me. A voice in me told me I was a dirty pig but another voice quickly replied the first voice to leave me alone saying that after all I had a shower the night before. I thought about it and decided to go with the second voice – truly I had a shower the previous night.

I stepped out of the bathroom, went into my room and wore my designer Gucci suit on my Hawes and Curtis shirt. I wore a Dolce and Gabbana black shoe to match and thought to myself how much of a mobile designer rainbow I looked. I thought little of it and my thought drifted to why my parents had not called me downstairs for church – we were already running late. I decided to step down stairs to check on them.

I had barely reached the last stair on the stair case when I saw them – my parents. They were right in the sitting room looking at me with fear in their eyes. I wondered why they stared at me that way. In fact, I wondered why they were kneeling down. Or were they praying? Even if they were praying, why did their hands have to be on their heads? That was when I saw it. The black hollow metal pointed at them. I flashed back to the dream and remembered how vivid it seemed. These guys had come for the money – the one million naira that daddy withdrew last night. ‘Run!’ My dad told me – I didn’t hesitate. I took to my heels.

I laugh in Spanish at your gullibility! I told you. I wrote it in bold and highlighted it in red at the top of this article – I told you not to be fooled. But I knew you would be fooled right when you decided to read this article. Don’t worry, it’s okay to be foolish in the month of April. Happy new month to you!

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