I sincerely do not know why I get riled up by some certain behaviour; really, I should be used to the way people behave all friendly but stab you in the back when its least expected. It’s so unnerving that people will just let you down in that moment that you have put your entire trust in them. Why do we have so many hypocritical people around these days? I mean, it’s not like I expect them to break their back in a bid to please me but still, it’s not so impossible to expect some modicum of respect from people that you consider your friends.
I used to have a friend that we would talk about everything and anything without having to pretend with each other; we were so comfortable in each other’s company that even when we were silent, it seemed as though there were a million and one thing that was being discussed; yes, as hard as it may sound, we did have that connection. And I would often find myself running to him anytime I had any trouble in my relationship life, I was so real and open with him that I always find his company liberating. The conversation we had kept me going and I trusted him so completely even when I have had reasons not to trust anyone.
Then, I found it easy to go to his place; we would watch movies together, eat and just enjoy the peace that our company offered us. And this is why even when we decided to try out the dating, it seemed like nothing could go wrong. A relationship with him appeared like the right thing to do, it was like something that should have happened for so long ago. But despite the fact that the baggage we had brought from our previous relationships killed what we had going before it started, we still remained friends. It really did feel like a dream come true for me because how many guys try to salvage the friendship they have had with their girlfriends after they broke up? That time, it was too good to be true and I thanked my fortunes that we were not a cliché in the romantic relationship field; where once you are no longer romantically involved, you just stopped being friend and throw the good memories all away because of your bloated egos.
So, maybe we enjoyed this rare privilege for so long that I never suspected that I had always being on a fool’s errand because I really thought we were on the same page. I had the believe that we would go back to being more than friends as we had learnt from our mistakes and we were better equipped for a healthier relationship though we didn’t spell it out in plain words at that time. I only wish he had told me that the ‘thing’ he had for his ex was a big deal to him and he was greatly affected by her not so subtle rejection. To think that I had always being open, free and naive to believe we had an understanding; I was under the impression that we had each other’s back, that it was him and me against the world. I suppose he played his cards so well that I didn’t notice that he only kept me as a back-up plan; ‘a plan B.’
Perhaps I was too caught up in trying to please him that I ignored the basic signs. I never felt like I had to worry about where his loyalty lied because it was logical to assume that it was with me; I was his friend that stood by him and weathered the harshest storm with him. I would never have imagined that my best friend would hide the fact that that he had been having an ‘off and on’ relationship with his ex behind my back and he didn’t deem it fit to spare me the pain when I heard from someone that they were an item; talk about ingratitude and insensitivity!
I mean, it was a sucker punch, like I had been dealt with in the cruel way humanly possible. Why on earth would he do this to me after everything we had been through? And to make matter worse, he went ahead to reveal everything that I considered private to his ex because he wanted to win her back that I had to hear about it from a close friend; it was really unfeeling and thoughtless on his part. Who in their right senses disclose matters about their supposed best friend that should have been kept confidential to some other person; I do know for certain that I wouldn’t do that. I couldn’t just break the trust that someone has in me all because I am trying to get on someone’s good book. I do not know the right adjective to use to qualify someone that betrays his friend who has made sacrifices for him countless of times without as much as a flinch.
Honestly, I still feel raw by this betrayal that I am now determined to never love and trust again even if it’s just on a platonic level because I am afraid to hand over to people the power to hurt and break me again; but I also learned that you should never say never. Louise Erdrich’s powerful quote on heartbreak keeps me on track, it says “life will break you, nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with yearning. You have to love, it is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apple falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could”.